My grandfather passed away last week. We'd been expecting it for awhile (he's been battling cancer for a couple of years), but even though we were prepared and even though I can be glad he's no longer suffering, death is always sad. And it presented a new parenting hurdle--how much should I tell Perrin? How much is he capable of understanding?
The funeral was about a 5-hour drive away, and unfortunately Trey couldn't get off work. So I loaded up both kids and a ridiculous amount of luggage for a one-night stay, and the three of us trekked off to Missouri with my parents and Julie. When Perrin found out we were going on a trip to Missouri, he asked about "Big Ba" (which is the name he gave to my grandpa). I explained that Big Ba had died, and that meant he wasn't sick anymore. Perrin seemed content with that explanation, so I didn't bother elaborating.
When we got to the viewing (open casket) on Monday night, I decided to take my cues from Perrin. If he wanted to go see Big Ba, I would let him, but I wasn't going to push him toward that if he wasn't interested. Perrin hovered a little ways back and kept asking me, "What's Big Ba doing?" I'm sure he noticed relatives around him crying, and I think he wanted some assurance from me that everything was okay. I sat him on my lap and told him again that Big Ba had died. I explained that he had gone to heaven and we would see him again someday. I was feeling very somber and hoping I had given the right amount of information for him. Perrin looked at me with wide eyes--apparently he thought I said "Kevin" instead of "heaven"... (Kevin, in case you don't have a two-year-old obsessed with Thomas the train, is a piece of machinery that works at the Sodor Steamworks), so he got excited and asked if Big Ba was with Kevin and Thomas. I cracked up. I couldn't help it. Here I was trying to explain death to my toddler and worrying that I was going to crush his little heart once he realized what was really going on, but he was imagining his great grandfather having a jolly time with all his train friends.
For Perrin's sake, I'm glad he's not quite old enough to understand death. I'm glad he's picturing Big Ba playing with trains on the Island of Sodor. I'm glad as a parent that I can dodge this tough topic for the time being. I know someday he'll understand death and he'll lose someone he loves. I wish I could protect my children from every heartache, but it's just not possible. Fortunately, I can point them to a God who loves them, who is in control, who understands their fears and pains, and who has already defeated death for our sakes.
Big Ba, we'll see you again someday. I'm so glad you're no longer in pain, and I smile every time I think of you seeing your wife and son again. Save us a seat, okay? Oh, and Perrin requests that you say hello to Thomas and Kevin for us.
We took the boys to my grandfather's funeral about a year and a half ago, when Keiran had just turned 5. We talked about death matter-of-factly and talked about how many people loved Papaw and would miss him, but how happy we were that he was with Jesus. At the funeral Keiran got a little teary, but insisted something was bothering his eyes (not sure if he really was making an excuse or didn't understand the emotion behind the tears). On our way home Keiran said that he wished he could see him again, and I agreed. In a lot of ways, walking a child through the difficulties in life helps you yourself understand them a little better and see the beauty of the gospel a bit more richly.
ReplyDeleteI think it is great you let Perrin have this experience and reinforce that there is no fear in death, but a hopeful waiting for it all to be made right.