Just another day on life's roller coaster

This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. I found out on Wednesday that I was pregnant. Four pregnancy tests just don’t lie, even though we weren’t trying to get pregnant and had taken what I thought were basically fail-proof measures to keep from getting pregnant right now. In those first few hours, my attitude went from shock to acceptance to a modicum of excitement. When Trey came home from work, we talked about how crazy it would be to become a family of four. We calculated my due date—February 7th, which would make our two children almost exactly two years apart. Another February baby! I barely slept thinking of all the changes that were coming up.

The next morning, I realized pretty early that I was most likely having a miscarriage. The bleeding continued throughout the day Thursday… then Friday… then Saturday… then Sunday. I told Trey that I was sure I had lost the baby. I kept taking pregnancy tests, expecting them to go from positive to negative. But I had another positive test. Then another. Then another. Dare I hope that I hadn’t actually lost the baby? I did some research online (always the perfect way to make yourself go absolutely bonkers), and read stories from women who’d gone through this exact thing and managed to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy. Was it possible? Had I grieved too soon?

I made a doctor’s appointment for this afternoon. The doctor confirmed what I already knew somewhere deep down—I had in fact miscarried.

I almost wished that I haven’t even taken a pregnancy test. I would have just assumed my period came a few days late. No big deal. No roller coaster of emotions. But then I had to ask myself, do I really wish I’d never known? And I think I have to be honest and say I’m glad I found out, glad I have the chance to honor and grieve the little life that grew inside me for such a short amount of time. I feel some sadness now thinking about what could have been—two kids exactly two years apart, something I didn’t think I wanted until I couldn’t have it anymore. But going through this has also made me hug Perrin a little tighter and feel thankful all over again for his good health and the blessing he’s been to us. He’ll make a good big brother one of these days.